Everwood Ascendant
by danosulik
Summary: What if the Everwood characters were on the starship Andromeda? Gives AU a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
1. Start here, humans!

Everwood Ascendant 

Rating: PG-13 for language, innuendo, and general violence ("it blowed up real good!")

Disclosure: I don't own "Everwood" or "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" or any characters in either, so don't sue. And blame "Andromeda" for the truly nonsensical lines. They had to go somewhere.

Warning: *parody* (so expect wackiness); no real slash here, but if you think there's no homoerotic subtext on "Andromeda" or "Enterprise" or other space shows, you're not paying attention. 

Comments: R/R please. Kindness optional, but flames will be ignored. Plplplpl!

Author's note: Because science fiction involves multiple species from various planets, as well as artificial life forms, the actual family relationships between "Everwood" characters would limit the story too much. So I discarded them. Also, the fates of certain characters (one in particular) do not necessarily reflect my feelings toward the original "Everwood" characters. They just fit certain roles in this story. Too well in some cases. Muhahahaha!!!

***


	2. Intro and Opening Credits

NARRATOR'S VOICE (the gruff but lovable, but sometimes pathetic, Jim Hart): Previoushly on "Everwood Ashendant" …

[Cut to shot of former salvage ship Miner Maru – the one the starship uses as a landing shuttle for away missions – docked to mysterious station in deep space. Then cut to equally mysterious lab inside station. Bright, wearing leather pants and sleeveless leather top, with laced V front showing off his very muscular chest and biceps, is facing a busty, young female scientist with really big blonde hair, wearing a midriff-bearing pantsuit. Could it be? No!]

MADISON (smiling smugly as she hands box of lab vials to Bright): There you are, Tiger! These samples should convince them you're the genetic reincarnation of Colin Museveni, patriarch of the Nietzschean prides. 

BRIGHT (grinning): Sweet! Who says blondes don't have the answers?

MADISON: While I'm at it, I could analyze your entire personality and your family dynamics for you. [Sneers.] You're just a guy, so your emotions can't be that complex.

BRIGHT (snarling): Hey, I'm Bright Anasazi, out of Victoria by Barbarossa. [Sneers.] Analyze this. [Lifts large Gatling-esque ray gun from his right side, points it at Madison, and blasts her, knocking her to floor.]

[Cut to shot of Maru pulling away from station as explosions engulf it.]

[Cut to conference room on starship. Andy Brown, in High Guard captain's uniform, faces Ephram Harper, in jeans and Silver Surfer T-shirt.]

EPHRAM (beaming): Boss, meet Amy, the ship's new avatar.

AMY (in stretchy jumpsuit, smiling perkily, flipping hair): At your service, captain! I can kickbox, monitor all ship systems, **and** cater a fabulous diplomatic reception, with a delicious artichoke dip served in a homemade bread bowl! B-b-b-bo, bowl!

ANDY (puzzled): What's with that … twitch?

EPHRAM (nervous): The interface needs a few … minor tweaks.

ANDY: Get on it.

[Cut to black screen. White type appears, one line at a time, over vaguely ominous background music.]

_Miners go in long!_

_Miners go in deep!_

_Miners do it with helmets on_

_and never go to sleep!_

 -- Peak County High School football cheer

CY 6932

[Cut to command deck of starship. Andy faces view screen at front. Nina Valentine, captain of Maru, stands behind him at pilot's station, wearing laced leather outfit, vaguely similar to Bright's but much less revealing. If you have to ask why, you wouldn't understand. Anyway. Bright stands at tactical station, poker-faced. Delia Gemini, in indescribable outfit with equally indescribable hair, stands on other side of deck.]

ROSE (appearing on right half of screen, because she's the ship's artificial intelligence, or AI … hey, mothers have eyes in the backs of their heads, and AI's have sensors everywhere, so why not?): Incoming, captain.

ANDY (nods, looks at left half of screen): Admiral Baxworth!

BRENDA: We've received reports that most of the Nietzschean prides have left the Commonwealth and joined forces with the Koma-Kastoffs. However, we can't confirm anything. We'll keep you posted. [Half sneers.] And try to keep in touch, will you?

ANDY: We always - [screen goes blank, returns to star view]

EPHRAM (walking onto deck from hallway): Avatar interface tweaked and ready, boss!

ANDY (turning toward Ephram, who's now at comm station): Yeah, well, you can get to the comm system next. I don't want it going out on us in the middle of a battle.

AMY (appearing on left half of view screen): Speaking of which, I'm detecting intruders in Cargo Bay 7. They are **so** busted!

ANDY (turning to face screen): Tactical alert! Send security to -

P.A. SYSTEM: "It's raaain-ing men! Hal-le-lu-jah! It's raaain-ing men! A-men!"

ANDY (looking up): Dammit, we don't need bells and whistles, let alone music! [Turns to face Ephram as Delia shakes head and rolls eyes, and Bright stifles laugh.] Didn't I just -

EPHRAM: What! You think **I** picked this?!

ANDY: I don't care who picked it, just get rid of it! Now! And Bright! Get down there and take care of those bastards!

BRIGHT: On my way. [Smirks on way out door, back to rest of crew.]

***

[Cut to opening credits: Stirring theme music. Andy Brown in High Guard captain's uniform, surrounded by crew, on command deck of starship.]

ANDY'S VOICE: The universe is a dangerous place. Especially when I cook. But in our future, my crew and I fight to make it safe. I'm Andrew Brown, captain of the Everwood Ascendant, and these are our adventures.

[Cut to names, pictures, etc.]

***


	3. Act 1

[Cut to command deck. Ephram leaves, Amy enters to find Andy talking with Delia.]

DELIA: There's a perfect possible future out there. I just haven't found it yet. [Pouts.]

ANDY: That's OK … we just gotta keep looking. [Puts hand on her shoulder.]

DELIA: I'm scared. I've guarded this secret for so long, and now I don't know what to do.

ANDY: Do what you have to, kiddo. 

***

[Cut to cargo bay on lower deck of starship. Bright faces Nietzschean raiders, most looking anonymous in full space suits, led by woman in conveniently semi-revealing catsuit. Metal-clad coffin lies on floor between them. Bright lifts lid, sees mummified bones, closes lid.]

KAYLA (smiling smugly): Out with the new, in with the old. The operation couldn't have gone better.

BRIGHT (smiling sarcastically): Thanks. [Lifts raygun and blasts Kayla, knocking her to floor before looking at other raiders.] Take the bones to the ronda- … the roda- … where we're supposed to meet, OK? And no talking! 

***

[Cut to inner section of Maru, on hangar deck of starship. Delia gazes at bonsai tree, glowing greenish light, then jumps as door opens behind her.

BRIGHT: Delia! What are you doing here?

DELIA: I have to protect the bonsai! It guards the future! Once Gary the Hamster bit off a branch, and a whole star system -

BRIGHT (softly): Look, we don't have time for that. You gotta get outta here, now.

DELIA: I'm scared, Bright. I'm scared you're gonna do the wrong thing. [Pauses, puzzled.] What kind of name is Bright for a Nietzschean anyway?

BRIGHT (smiling): It's short for Bright Dawn of Conquest. You know, the sun rising on the day of my enemies' doom?

DELIA (shakes head): Boys.

***

[Cut to command deck. Andy faces view screen, showing Rose on right half and Ephram on left half.]

ANDY (brow furrowed): How're comm fixes coming?

EPHRAM: I'm running diagnostics, but I can't seem to isolate the -

[Hologram appears in front of Andy: robed figure with claws and reeeally bad hair.]

ANDY (puzzled): Rev Keys? But you left us more than a year -

HOLOGRAM (on continuous loop): My pain belongs to the Divine. It-tis like air. It-tis like wa-ter. [Jerks as if returning to start of loop.] My pain belongs to the Divine. It-tis like air. …

ANDY: Ephram!

EPHRAM: I'm working on it, OK?! You think I want to be reminded of him and those eggs that almost ate me?

ANDY: Look, just -

ROSE: I'm detecting a slip fighter leaving. It's Bright. [Scowls.] I don't know how many times I've told him not to take a fighter out without telling us where he's going!

ANDY(shaking head): I'm way too gullible when it comes to certain Nietzscheans. [Turns to Nina.] Follow him! 

NINA: Entering slip stream. [Flashing lights, weaving, psychedelic colors. You know the drill. Bumpy ride, grab ass. Your own, I mean. Oh shut up.]

ROSE: We're approaching the Koma-Kastoff home world. The slip fighter is approaching Bucks Rock, a moon orbiting that world.

ANDY: That's the home of Bright's former pride.

AMY: The one the Koma-Kastoffs wiped out before stealing Colin's bones?

ANDY (nodding): It's a trap. Get us out of here! 

[More lights and pyschedelia, but ship doesn't move, just wobbles.]

ANDY: Abort! Full stop! [Lights and effects stop.]

AMY: Captain, there's a problem. If we go to slip steam again, we'll eject the slip core, and the resulting exotic matter explosion will destroy the Koma-Kastoff home world.

EPHRAM (smiling that dry half-smile of his as he enters command room): Miss Honors Science.

ANDY (ignoring Ephram): Won't it destroy Bucks Rock?

AMY: No. Or the ship.

EPHRAM: Then I say we waste the boneheads and get the hell out of here. They'd do the same to us.

ANDY (turning to Ephram): We can't do that. There are thousands of slaves from other species on their home world. [Turns to screen showing Rose.] This has something to do with those bones. I'm going after Bright. [To Nina:] You're in command. [Turns to exit.]

NINA (rolls eyes, mumbles): Mr. Fix-It to the rescue. 

ANDY (without looking back at her): I heard that! [Exits.]

***

[Cut to slip fighter flown by Bright. View screen shows Nietzschean commander.]

CARL: But we weren't told of any changes of plan!

BRIGHT: Dude! You'll give us both away! I need total silence! Now!

CARL: But –

BRIGHT: Shut up, Carl!

[Slip fighter enters dock on moon.]

[Cut to commercial.]

***


	4. Act 2

[Cut to command deck of starship. Baxworth on left half of view screen, Rose on right.]

NINA: Captain Brown's on an away mission to undo the sabotage and resolve the Nietzschean situation, but until he returns, I'm in charge.

BRENDA (tartly): Well, aren't you a tricky little thing? We'll get there as soon as we can. [Transmission ends. Stars return.]

ROSE: We're being hailed.

CARL (appearing on left half of screen): Greetings! I'm Field Marshal Innamurk of the Koma-Kastoff -

NINA: We know who you are, Carl.

CARL (smiling): I'm welcoming you to our corporate family. Bright Anasazi has shown his loyalty to us by making you our newest acquisition.

NINA: What?! That's impossible!

CARL: He's also supplied evidence that he's the genetic reincarnation of Colin Museveni, come to reunite the Nietzschean prides and restore the empire.

EPHRAM: An empire ruled by a moron like him?! That's insane!

CARL: Oh, you might think he's a moron, but you'd be sooo wrong. He shoots nothing but net, just like me back when I … yeah. Besides, we have HMOs!

NINA: Shut up, Carl!

***

[Cut to room on Bucks Rock. Mist swirls ominously in background, like leftover fog machine from last (we wish) Kiss tour. Portal in ceiling shows Koma-Kastoff home world. Bright stands in front of Colin's coffin, which sits in middle of circle of pillars. Andy walks in behind him.]

BRIGHT: I expected you sooner.

ANDY: I expected your loyalty.

BRIGHT (turning to face Andy): Oh, sure! Just because I'm attractive, no one takes me seriously! I've spent years grooming myself for this moment. Hell, I've spent years just … grooming …

ANDY: If you force me to make this choice, we can only meet again as enemies.

BRIGHT (irritated): Hey, you have a chance to get out of here alive! And I have a chance to reunite the prides and … and bend the universe to my will! Or something that sounds even more bad-ass than whatever the hell I just said!

NINA'S VOICE ON ANDY'S COMMUNICATOR BADGE: Andy? Our big problem just went giant. Known enemies of the Commonwealth are entering the system and converging on the Koma-Kastoff. If the slip core ejects, we can't be sure we'll escape. We no longer have a choice. 

ANDY: We're coming back. 

***

[Cut to engine room of starship. Ephram pokes at console in frustration, as if playing that Lizst piece he plays when he's frustrated. Bright walks in.]

EPHRAM: What the hell did you do to this thing, Ana-sleazy?

BRIGHT (pushing Ephram aside): Out of my way, annoying little man! (Enters codes, taps icons, plays screen like video game. You knew those things were good for something, right? Besides an excuse not to do homework? Oh. Story.) There. All yours, dude.

EPHRAM (smiling): Thanks, uber.

BRIGHT (smiling): No problem, kludge. (Wraps hand around back of Ephram's head.)

EPHRAM: So. Is this the part where we look deeply in each other's eyes and French-kiss and start groping each other?

BRIGHT (pulling back and looking sideways): Dude, you've been reading too much of that fan fiction stuff that people who don't get sex read. (Laughs.) Of course, when I become emperor, I could make you chief eunuch of my imperial harem.

EPHRAM (pulling back and putting hands over groin): Overshare.

BRIGHT (smirking): Hey, it's not my fault I'm shallow. The universe made me that way. Besides, chicks dig the bone blades. (Rubs forearm, then puts hand on Ephram's shoulder as they exit engine room.)

***

[Cut to command deck. Andy, Amy, and Trance face view screen, which shows multitude of alien ships converging.]

AMY: The Demians, the Wendolans, the Saerrs … all targeting the planet! It's anarchy! 

ANDY (sighs, shakes head): It's never easy.

ROSE (appearing on right half of view screen): The admiral's hailing us again.

BRENDA (appearing on left half of screen): We're engaging the enemy. Stand by for further orders.

ANDY: But admiral! You're walking into -

BRENDA: I said stand by for - [Visual of Brenda breaks up with apparent explosions in background. Various ships fire on each other and planet, then collide, then fire some more, then collide some more … you get the idea. Universe FUBAR.]

ROSE: I detect a slip fighter leaving. It's Bright again.

ANDY: We don't have time to follow him. If the core is fixed, go to slip stream.

AMY: But captain -

ANDY: Go! To slip stream! 

[Lights, colors, etc.]

[Cut to commercial.]


	5. Act 3

[Cut to command deck.]

ANDY: Rose! Where are we?

ROSE: Sensors show we're on the far end of the Andromeda galaxy, at the limits of known space. 

NINA (smiling): I followed the slip currents to my favorite hiding place from my smuggling days. 

[Lights and monitors flicker on and off erratically.]

ROSE: Weapons and hull are intact, but navigation and comm are off line.

ANDY (turning to face Ephram): I thought I told you to fix the comm system! What have you got to say for yourself?

EPHRAM (raising voice and looking into Andy's eyes): You know, people say you're crazy, and news flash, you are! You take us to the middle of nowhere, you grow this ugly-ass beard, and every night you talk to holograms of your fiancee, who died two centuries ago on some hidden planet! Yeah, I've seen you, and so has Delia! So what have **I **got to say for **myself**? What have **you** have to say for **yourself**?

ANDY: You think my beard is ugly?

EPHRAM (shouting and pointing at Andy): I wish you'd died, instead of her!

ANDY (shouting at Ephram): Yeah, well so do I! What else you got?

EPHRAM:  **I HATE YOU!**

ANDY: **I HATE YOU RIGHT BACK, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!** **Now get back there and fix that comm system!** [Watches Ephram stalk off command deck.]

AMY (facing Andy's back): Best captain in the Commonwealth … what a joke!

ANDY (turning to face Amy): Excuse me?

AMY: Our enemies just destroyed the fleet … and you ran away and let them!

ANDY: There was nothing we could do to save them … or save Bright, or the Koma-Kastoffs for that matter. I tried!

AMY: Well, you didn't try hard enough, did you? [Shouts:] Did you!

ROSE (scowling): Amy Nicole, you stop that this instant, or I'll put you in diagnostic mode! And don't think I can't keep you there for a long time! 

AMY (storming off command deck, without looking back at Andy, no longer shouting): Where was your faith?

ANDY (turning to Rose, head down): I've failed. I tried to restore the Commonwealth, and I failed. I'm going to my quarters to sulk. How many channels do we get out here?

DELIA (looking at Rose and shaking head): It's sad.

ROSE (to Andy): Don't you dare! I'm detecting an opening slip portal.

ANDY: We've been followed **here**?

NINA: Incoming courier ship at extremely high speed. One life sign, engines dead.

ANDY: Open the docking bay and prepare to receive - [Ship shudders.]

NINA: Received.

ANDY (to Nina): Dispatch droids to docking bay. [To Delia:] Meet me on med deck.

***

[Cut to med deck. Delia stands above bed, looking down at patient in courier's uniform. Door opens. Andy walks in. Patient looks up, holding message disk in right hand.]

WENDELL: Fleet Courier Wendell at your service, Captain Brown! [Pauses and looks at ceiling, dazed.] It's for you. 

ANDY (taking disk from Wendell): You risked a great deal to find us.

WENDELL (looking at Delia, smiling faintly as she takes his left hand in her right hand): You're warm.

DELIA: You're weird.

ANDY: Delia!

DELIA (ignoring Andy, placing left hand on his chest): Take my light.

[Glow floods Wendell, who smiles broadly, then slumps as monitor makes flatline sound.]

***

[Cut to conference room. Andy, Nina, Ephram, Amy, and Delia sit around table, with message disk at center.]

EPHRAM (quietly, to Andy): I … said some things I didn't mean.

ANDY: We all did. [Looks at Amy.] Although only one of us has an excuse.

AMY: It won't happen again. [Ephram rolls eyes. Amy looks sideways.] I saw that! [Delia stifles laugh.]

EPHRAM: I'm just tired of getting our asses kicked all over the universe.

NINA: We all are. But we're still with you. [All nod.] 

AMY: The message appears to be from the last known Commonwealth chief of security. Who may or may not still be alive. Somewhere.

DELIA: Wendell came from wherever he was. And he was tortured. For stuff he didn't even do. [Pouts.] It's not fair.

[Andy reaches to disk and presses ID plate, displaying hologram in uniform vaguely similar to his, but grayer … with plaid sash across chest. Could it be? Oh come on, who else?]

HOLOGRAM: My name is Haroo, and I knew everything. I was in charge. I set the tinderbox and watched the bonfire. The Commonwealth is in irreparable, undeniable, irredeemable shambles. And you, Andrew Brown, are to blame. And. I have the triumvir. With me. Don't even think about coming to get her. [Shakes head.] Nutbag. [Stops.]

AMY: Based on the apparent course of the courier ship and the strange … sounds and sights in the background … he appears to be at the All Forces Nullification Point, where the gravimetric forces of the Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum galaxies cancel each other out.

ANDY (puzzled): But nothing could exist there. I thought that point was only legend. 

EPHRAM: Legend? Try nightmare! It's the hole of hell, the fjord of fruitlessness, the nadir of nothingness! No one comes back from there!

ANDY: We're dealing with someone who doesn't care if he loses as long as we lose too.

NINA: But if he has the surviving triumvir of the Commonwealth …

DELIA: We were taking my bonsai to a place where it can protect the future. If the future holds going to rescue the triumvir, then maybe that's where the bonsai is supposed to be. Besides, I can always whistle a happy tune! [Sees puzzled looks.] Like in my song in the play?

[Cut to commercial.]

***


	6. Act 4

[Cut to command deck. All hands at stations.]

ROSE (appearing on right half of view screen): Approaching the All Forces Nullification Point. [Left side shows planet-like object in state of collapse as unseen forces pull it apart.]

***

[Cut to cave-like tunnels inside planet-like object. It's sci-fi, OK? Visualize something. Andy and Nina walk through tunnels, carrying High Guard force lances (ray guns that somehow expand into long bars for combat – it's an "Andromeda" thing), wearing conveniently stylish but transparent safety glasses instead of helmets and space suits. Yeah, this show's weird. Anyway, hole opens in what passes for ground here, stopping Andy and Nina in their tracks.

HAROO (appearing as Andy and Nina look across gap): Marvelous, don't you think? A self-cleaning planet. No teenagers to give you headaches, no mothers to embarrass you, no idiots wanting you to cure all their ills so they can go on being idiots … hell, I could stay here forever if it wasn't about to blow apart. Of course, I knew it would … just like I knew you'd come. [Flies to ground in front of Andy and Nina.] And here you are: the latest inductees to the place of sorrow, disillusionment, and confusion. My own personal triumvirate, if you will. Hell, I deserve one!

NINA: Speaking of the Triumvirate, where's -

HAROO: My mission is to do as much damage as I can before I go. We're all going to die. [Looks worried.] What if I die, and nobody comes to my funeral, except - [Looks at Andy, annoyed.] You! You always try to run things! You enmesh, you embroil, you meddle! Sometimes I want to - [Looks scared.] I don't want to do this. You have to go now. If you don't - [Looks giddy.] Hey, let's trade secrets! I've only got one, and I've forgotten what it is! Wait, I know … it's … pie! I love! Pie!

NINA (to Andy): I think he's going.

ANDY (to Nina): Oh, I think he's long gone. 

HAROO (shaking): I've been under a lot of stress lately. I need my… [Looks irritated.] Medication is for the weak! People with no support system! 

ANDY (grabbing Haroo by uniform, shoving him against rock, pointing force lance at his neck): We don't have time for this, dammit! Just give us the coordinates so we can get the triumvir and get out of here!

HAROO (looking scared): 37 north, 24 west, using this point as ze- [Grins and stares into space.] I remember the smell of cigars …

ANDY (to Nina): Your turn to baby-sit. If he moves, shoot him.

***

[Cut to Andy in similar-looking tunnel, but obviously not same one because he's been walking around … it's an "action" show, remember? Andy turns corner and finds female figure in vaguely official-looking pantsuit, who turns to face him.

LAYNIE (smiling faintly for no apparent reason): Mdfjkgskbf?

ANDY: Madame Triumvir, we've got to get you out of here. There's not much time.

LAYNIE: Dfcchthoyt safe drhtdhf. Jfdhtfjf ljbgkk my pills. 

ANDY: If they're the same pills Haroo's on – or whatever it is he's on right now – you're anything but safe. Have you talked to him lately?

LAYNIE: Slrsejgfdhf giug the old Captain Brown. Nrklyldd tkfuyf rydhl betrayed the Commonwealth. 

ANDY: What?! What the hell are you saying?! I -

HAROO (appearing behind Andy): She's right, of course. Anyone who agrees with me must be. [Looks worried.] I made a Faustian bargain with the forces of darkness. Anything courageous must go. I was tortured by the Abyss for … [Looks at Andy, annoyed.] You! You did this! And we're through with you! We can't grow old! We can't die! You have no power! 

ANDY (to Laynie, while drawing force lance): This is a classic conflict between good! And evil! 

LAYNIE: Adehb flihl point is?

ANDY: One of us doesn't know when to shut up! [Fires force lance at Haroo, who shakes and then … flickers, as if some alien substance is inside him, so Andy fires again, and Haroo collapses. Strange, liquid-metal blob appears above Haroo's inert body, then vanishes.]

NINA (walking in, seeing blob vanish over Haroo): I always miss the good stuff.

ANDY: Let's get the hell out of here!

[Cut to shot of Maru pulling into starship's docking bay.]

***

NARRATOR'S VOICE: Shtay tuned for schenes from the nexsht … Everwood … [Thump, followed by sound of glass breaking.]


	7. Closing Credits and Coming Attractions

NARRATOR'S VOICE: Shtay tuned for schenes from the nexsht … Everwood … [Thump, followed by sound of glass breaking.]

***

[Cut to vaguely ominous room on unfamiliar planet.]

BRIGHT: You had to know I had a son somewhere. And **he** really **is** the reincarnation of Colin! This kid's gonna rule, dude! Totally!

[Cut to command deck of starship.]

EPHRAM (drily): We're going back. To the scene of the battle to end all battles. Literally. Why? So we can join the dead?

[Cut to shot of view screen, showing commander of surviving ship unexpectedly found in wreckage.]

LINDA: We had nowhere to go! Anyway. Captain Abbott, ready when you are.

[Cut to Andy's quarters.]

DELIA: Just promise me you won't ever. Date her. Ever.

[Cut to closing credits.]

[Cut to series of dozen or so logos. Hey, it's syndication.]

END


End file.
